I am going through a rough stage in my life right now. I am getting divorced. I never thought this would happen to me, but I have made a decision, and I am sticking to it. I feel guilty, sad for my son, and even a little sad for myself, sometimes, but this is the right path for me. I have turned into a person that I don't like, and mainly, it is because I have let myself, for so many years, be told what to do, when to do it and how to do it, unless I did something I wanted, and then I was punished. I have been made to quit good, high paying jobs over unfounded and unwarranted jealousy. I have been asked to disregard, and even stay away from my family, and any friends I might make, or have ever had. Now don't get me wrong, I am not the easiest person to live with. I am moody and depressed a lot, but mainly it's because of living in poverty with a person I have grown to dislike immensely. I share blame in this, but I am telling my side now, so that is the side you'll hear. To quote Michael Jackson, I am starting with the Man In The Mirror to make myself a stronger, more confident human being. Now I know that many people think this is the easy way out, but believe me, it took years for me to become strong enough to leave. I was blown away by a blog I have been reading, and decided to see if blogging about my personal life was as cathartic as it seemed. We shall see, I suppose.
Divorce is embarassing, nerve wracking, soul crushing, but for me, it has also been such a relief to get out of a situation I felt was killing me, inside and out. My ex is driving me nuts, going from the mean a**hat he always is, to sad and begging, promising to change, back to a**hat all in a week's time. All I want is peace. I gave him all our possessions, I left, but I'm still selfish, according to him. The guilt he tries to lay on me about my son is already there. He is the reason I stayed as long as I have, but I just couldn't do it anymore. Maye I am selfish, but I can not and will not be treated that way anymore, or ever again. Case in point....I had an hour's conversation last night on Facebook with a guy I knew in school. It was really about nothing, but it meant a lot to me just to be able to talk to someone, be myself and not be scared of the wrath and jealousy that this would have caused. This man I was chatting with is married, and his wife was sitting right next to him while we talked, mainly about nothing. I would have never been able to do that a week and a half ago. Try to imagine if you were a grown woman who is not allowed to speak to an old friend. Not just men either, women as well. If anyone sought me out, I had to answer so many questions, like why would she call you, did you call her, what up with that, etc........It was mind numbing. I couldn't even spend time with my family, as he hates my mother, father sister, and anyone else that I was ever close to. It just became unbearable.
All I want now is to be free, go to school, and try to be the person I want to be, instead of the person I've become. If any of you blogger's out there hear me, I would love any and all input. Mainly on how to keep his relationship with my son, but to have no relationship with him. His rants and raves are getting harder and harder to deal with each day, especially since I no longer live with him, but I don't want to involve the courts. I just want to be left alone, unless it is about my son. Sorry about this downer post, but it helps to get it out, and my friend quota is 0.0. Life in the blog lane..........
4 months ago